Vegeta Goes To The Proctologist
by King Vegeta
Summary: Vegeta seeks help for his hemorrhoidal woes.


---=* A few notes about this fanfic: This is the first I have ever written, so go easy on me with the reviews, please. This fanfic is set in Dragonball Z, shortly after Gohan destroys Cell. I in no way own or hold any rights to Dragonball or any of the characters or storylines within. Please don't sue me...the litigation would cost more than I would have to give you. Anyway, read the fic and tell me how you like it. *=---  
  
  
  
Vegeta Goes To The Proctologist  
  
One day at Capsule Corp, Vegeta paces back and forth. Bulma sits across the room knitting a sweater for Trunks. Vegeta continues his pacing, uttering a low grunt. This was no surprise to Bulma, considering that Vegeta had just discovered that not only was Goku more powerful than him, but Gohan was as well.   
  
Bulma decided to break the silence. "Are you going to mope around all day, Vegeta? Your stupid growling is probably disturbing Trunks. I swear, sometimes I think you need to do more with your free time than pace around and make noise."  
  
"Shut up, woman!", Vegeta snapped. "You're always meddling in my affairs! And what is your obssession with that blasted child?! Every time you open your mouth it's Trunks this and Trunks that! While we're on the subject, how exactly did he end up with such a ridiculous name?! He should have been named Vegeta, like his father and my father before me!"  
  
"That would be too complicated, Vegeta. I mean, somewhere down the line I would call for one of you and you wouldn't know who I wanted. It would be way too confusing. Maybe if he had been named Vegeta Junior..."  
  
"Arrrrrrggggghhhh! That's even worse than the name he has now! Unbelievable! Now, shut up and go prepare some food for me!"  
  
"Don't tell me to shut up, you big jerk! You may be a Super Saiyan, but you don't scare me one bit. What's wrong, anyway? You've been growling much more than usual lately."  
  
"I don't want to talk about it...", Vegeta says almost calmly.  
  
"You will talk about it, Vegeta, or you can get your own dinner!"  
  
Vegeta sighs. "I have a problem. I may need to see a doctor about it..."  
  
"Vegeta! You mean to tell me it's happening again? I want to have more children, you know! How could it be happening again?! Have you been forgetting to take your pills? Those things are really expensive! I can't believe..."  
  
Vegeta cuts her off. "It's not that...I've been having no problems with that. You should know that. Apparently you weren't paying attention last nigh...WHAT?!! MORE CHILDREN?! ONE ISN'T ENOUGH?! THE LAST THING I NEED IS MORE CHILDREN!"  
Vegeta pauses and sighs. "I have...hemorrhoids..."  
  
"You...have hemorrhoids?" Bulma says as she almost falls over laughing. "No wonder you're always violent! That mystery is solved! Hey mom! Dad! Vegeta has hemorrhoids!" She continues laughing for a minute then puts on a straight face. "You should definitely go see a doctor. Here's the address of the nearest hospital." She says as she hands him a card.  
  
"I hate humans, but I suppose I will have to try and tolerate them while I am there." Vegeta snorts.  
  
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Vegeta enters the waiting room of Dr. Ulcer, the proctologist. He signs in and then takes a seat. He waited quietly...for about 2 minutes.  
  
"Where is that infernal doctor?!", he screams.  
  
"He'll be with you in a few minutes, Mr. Vegeta."  
  
Vegeta gets up an slams his fist through the adjacent wall, much to the surprise of the people in the bathroom on the other side of the wall. The secretary blinks and stares.  
  
"The doctor will see you now...", she manages to say.  
  
Vegeta gets up, walks right through the wall next to the door and enters the doctor's office.   
  
"What seems to be the problem, Mr. Vegeta?"  
  
"I have hemorrhoids! Fix them now, or be destroyed by my awesome power!"  
  
"Hmm...you must have some big hemorrhoids. Okay, Mr. Vegeta, drop your pants and let's have a look."  
  
"Drop my pants? Are you mad?! I will do nothing of the sort!"  
  
"The how am I supposed to look at your hemorrhoids?"  
  
"Arrrrrrggggh...very well.", Vegeta says as he turns around and drops his pants.  
  
The doctor looks at them for a moment.   
  
"My word...those are large hemorrhoids...have you been under extreme stress at work lately? That tends to irritate them..."  
  
"I do not work."  
  
"Ah...well, times are tough...you'll find a job soon.", the doctor says as he puts on a rubber glove. "Could you lay down on the table, please?"  
  
Vegeta gets face-down on the table. "How long will this take, anyway? I don't have time for this...I need to train so that I can finally become stronger than Kakkarot!"  
  
"Um...okay..." The doctor says with a confused look. He walks over to Vegeta. "This may hurt a bit...I need to see if there are any others besides the ones on the outside..." He reaches toward Vegeta.  
  
"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!", Vegeta screams.  
  
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Chichi and Gohan are sitting at the dinner table.   
  
"Did you hear that?" Chichi asks.  
  
"Sure did. Someone probably tried to ask Piccolo for directions in town again." Gohan says.  
  
"That must be it. I feel sorry for whoever it is...the last guy ended up landing halfway across the world." Chichi replies.  
  
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"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! I WOULD KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND IF I HAD MY PANTS ON! HOW DARE YOU BEFOUL MY SAIYAN BODY! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOUR HAND MADE CONTACT WITH MY BODY! YOU WILL DIE BY MY SUPREME POWER!"  
  
"Okay, all done. You're the calmest patient I've had all day, Mr. Vegeta. Apply this cream twice a day, and take this hemorrhoidal donut. It should ease the pain. And if possible, stay off your feet. Call me in a week to report your progress."  
  
Vegeta smiles. The usual Vegeta smile...the look he gets before he tries to kill someone. "Thanks for the medicine. You are of no further use to me. I considered letting you live in fear rather than killing you, but that would be less fun..." Vegeta pulls up his pants and transforms into his Super Saiyan state. "Say goodbye, doctor!" he says as he blasts the doctor with one of his energy blasts. He then bursts through the wall and returns to Capsule Corp.  
  
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Dr. Ulcer regains consciousness. "What the hell?! How did I end up in the ocean?" This is the longest day ever..."  
  
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Bulma walks up to Vegeta as he enters. "How did it go?"  
  
"I HAVE BEEN VIOLATED! IT WAS TERRIBLE! THAT DOCTOR WAS A SORE WORSE THAN ANY I AM CURRENTLY ENDURING! HE PAID FOR HIS INSOLENCE! By the way, I need you to rub this cream on me twice a day."  
  
"Ewww...why do I have to do it?"  
  
"Because you are the only person I am comfortable being naked around..."  
  
"Aww, how sweet, Vegeta. Is it because I don't ridicule your really small..."  
  
"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO SPEAK OF THAT! YOU BLASTED WOMAN...CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!"  
  
"Here we go again..." Bulma says with a faint smile.  
  
  
  
--=* In case there's any confusion, that's the end of the fanfic. Hope you enjoyed it. I plan to write more in the future so watch for them. Please respond and tell me how you like this one. It will help me decide whether to write more Vegeta stories. *=--  
  



End file.
